Story of Ana: the pain of a Diaspora Mom

 

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It has been a long time since I wanted to write. Yesterday I met Ana, let’s call her Ana from the temple. I bumped into her accidentally on one of my visit to the temple. We met at the entrance. She said Hi!!! and then she started asking me from which part of India do I come from, what am I doing in the US? I told her I am studying here and I am from Jaipur, Rajasthan. She told me she will be visiting India for her project to make a social documentary (I forgot the topic) with renowned actors such as Hema Malini, Vidhya Balan etc. Frankly, I was not paying much attention to her because India is a place full of people with similar dreams, and also considering that she does not have money to hire the actors and is looking for funding for her documentary (which is extremely difficult).

We exchanged number. She asked me to be in touch but I never messaged her again. She said if I like I can visit her sometime. I was on my own, got busy and she came across like people who just say a lot of things which do not seem doable etc, so I didn’t even bother.

Yesterday, I bumped into Ana again in Meijer. We hugged each other, she asked me how I was doing, why I did not keep in touch with her, why I did not reply to her last message where she asked me if I would like to send my parents gifts she would be happy to take them with her for me. I would not trust a stranger I met only once to give them the gifts I bought and also share my home address with them. So I politely answered I did not have anything at that point of time.

Then she started telling her story. I would like to make a point clear at first that I like her, she seems like a nice person. She is an American citizen being here for 20+ years, but I am not. I am a student here and given the racial tensions going in America I like to mind my own business and keep my head low with regards to discussions on culture, politics etc. I refrain myself in indulging in such things. People here are welcoming, helpful, they will always smile at you while passing by.

Apart from all this, she started telling me how life has been so tough with her, her college going daughter does not talk to her, do not wish to be in touch with her and has nothing to do with her. I could sense the pain she was feeling being away from her daughter. She kept on saying this is American culture these things are not taught in Indian culture very loudly standing in the middle of the grocery store. I did not feel comfortable standing with someone who was making racial comments.  But I stood there and listened to her story since she was living all alone for all these years no one to take care of her, no one to talk to, nobody wants to do anything with her, not even her husband or her three kids.

From her conversation, I could figure out that she was not legally allowed to be in contact with her kids so something terrible would have happened which led to this. She was not allowed to contact them even on their birthdays. Her kids did not go to visit their dying maternal grandmother in India. Every second Ana feels she could not fulfill her mother’s dying wish to see her grandchildren. Every second she feels there is nothing left in the US for her but how can she leave her children here alone and go back to India, who will take care of them, who will look after them, who will guide them in their career, who will give them motherly affection, what will she answer to the society in India, where is her husband, where are her kids, why is she staying back in India, why have they not come to visit her etc.

She complained a lot about American culture that people here don’t care and they would not mind living alone, taking care of themselves, teenagers living away from their parents, saying that they do not have anything to do with their parents etc. I am no one to comment on her personal life because I do not know her whole story, all I know is a one-sided thing. I felt extremely sorry for her. I wanted to help her but all I could do was ask her to not to worry much, don’t think too much etc. She was extremely worried about her kids which was justified being a mother.

People are independent here, which is a good thing. They are not afraid to live alone, take the risk in life, they are adventurous. It is something that we should try to learn from them. Every culture and every country have their positive and negative points. We should always appreciate the positives and try to incorporate them within ourselves.

Being an NRI (non-residential Indian), Ana you should have taught your kids Indian values if you wanted to see them behaving like Indian kids. You should have taken them to India more often during their vacations. They would have interacted with the family in India more, played with their cousins, learn from them and would have understood how their mother grew up, what are her roots. Then maybe things would not have turned out the way they did. I know it would have been very difficult to raise kids with both Indian and American values. They are after all an ABCD (American Born Confused Desis). I am sure it is not as simple as it sounds and you did your best.

I pray to the Lord to give you strength to deal with the hardships of your life. I wish your children realize their mistake and they come back and talk to their MOM. I wish you all the happiness in the world. See you again sometime Ana but with a smile on your face 🙂

 

 

 

Miracle to save me

                                  gods_miracles

Sometimes Words are not enough to make someone feel that you care for them. Sometimes it need a little bit Effort to convince them that you really Care.

Why people have just words? Why is it so difficult for them to show you their love? Why they don’t ever make an effort for you and still say they Love You? Why they just can’t care for you?Why?

You are too demanding!!!!!

Are you not worth for all this? Is there something that you lack?  If not this, then what?

Then WHY NOT?

Or may be you are an arse……

I need a miracle to happen to me YET AGAIN…. Which can take me far away from this world, ESCAPOPHENOMINAN, take me away from myself, away from negative me, self-destructive me, show me the positive me. Show me the Worth of me 😥

Again am a demanding Soul…

A Miracle who can give answers to all my above questions. Shake me well so that I am back on my senses. :p

All this is  a fantasy, a fantasy world you make around yourself….

Your inner goddess cries but your outer goddess smiles…. Inner goddess being an emotional fool, falls into the trap every fucking time. Poor thing.

Learn to live in present and face it.

Past is History; Future is Mystery; you have your Present to Live

Facing present need lots and lots of efforts, gather it. You are a fighter not a Loser.

Future holds a beautiful miracle for you DARLZ  :*  🙂

Burn the Hope Alive

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Why is this so difficult to see a girl beyond her words, beyond her smile, beyond her expressions? Why were those fairy tales written and were read to us as bedtime stories when they are far from reality? Why do we live in a fantasy world? We know that reality is far more worse but that is what is REAL. Why don’t we teach our children the reality of life, Why do we fill their heads with those happy ending fantasies? When in reality there is no such happy endings, at least  99.999……% of times there is not, lucky 0.000….1%. But still we hope for it. How long? Ya!!!!! How long are we gonna hope? There just one stupid thing in life which is, HOPE…. nothing more…. and I guess hope is the worst enemy. Keep the hope alive that’s what people say…. I say burn the hope alive and live in present, the REALITY. Get out of your fantasy world. Because there is no such thing like happy endings, there’s only disappointments, adjustments and your efforts to be happy in them.

I know, its too much negative of me. But this is the only real thing in life. so guess…. you gotta face it.  Get up and face it. Living in present, in reality doesn’t mean to be SAD, it just means accept the reality and MOVE ON in life. Rather than sitting and hoping for some miracle to occur and bring happiness in your life. It all depends on YOU and only YOU.

Devil and the Dragon

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When past haunts you… maybe it’s the reason you are not able to move on. It brings out the worst in you.  The things you won’t do but the situations trap you into it and you react that way, thinking all negative.

Whereas your reaction varies from person to person. With some, you are at your best and with some, you are a negative person. Which is strange!!!!!! These reactions are exponentially increased by the haunting past experiences you had.  Now this HAUNTING  DEVIL will not let you free. He has trapped you in his castle guarded by his beloved two horned DRAGON. You sit and wait for your prince charming (can be princesses too these days :p). Every day the dragon fly three times near your window and keep a check on you till the DEVIL arrives. It’s strange every day just THREE times why just THREE why not FIVE, SIX or TEN :O. Dragon gets tired after THREE? 😛  NO, the two-horned dragon doesn’t get tired.

The two horns signify the world’s powerful creature’s two different characters good and bad. Both in one, like all of us. He flies THREE  times near your window to show you FIRST your bad part, SECOND your good part and THIRD time to sit and decide what do you want to be. Having both the good and bad part, now what do you want? The prince charming doesn’t come in real life to save you.  In fact, there is NO prince charming although I wish I had a prince charming. It’s your decision now sit and wait for prince charming, the chances are 50-50 either he will come and save you and thereafter you’ll live happily forever or you will end up dying alone in that haunted castle guarded by a two-horned dragon. During the third trip near your window, dragon waits a bit long, watches you through that window. Come on hurry up decide what do you want to climb up the window and jump land upon the dragon’s back and he’ll take you far far away from that haunted place and the devil, to a prosperous Kingdom which would seem like a fairytale for you. The Kingdom is waiting for a prophecy to come true “Their princess will come flying on a dragon, fall in love with the prince and the prince will be married to her” and henceforth you’ll become a queen 😀

The dragon was waiting too to be freed from the devil. One horn of the dragon gets broken as soon as he enters the prosperous Kingdom. Now there’s no bad or evil part left in you…. you are all good…. you have to make an effort for this not just sit and wait. Sometimes you can wait but otherwise, you have to work your ass for it. Although there is a prince charming in the end :p and he does make your life beautiful… The decision is yours….. 😉

Oh!!! Gosh!!!

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After work, I went to the near by Bar. There I saw him, sitting across the table having a glass of whisky and staring at me. We were friends as far as I was concerned. But the look in his eyes said so many things which were difficult for me to believe and trust. My friends saw him staring at me. They were not sure of what was going on, Me too…. Though he only seemed to be sure about, I guess this was the Whisky Effect 😛

Many guys get TUN!!!! and stare girls but with him it was different. There was something in his eyes which attracted me, made me curious about him. I wanted to know  him, his personality, his character, his emotions, his perception towards life, In short I wanted to know this Guy.

One day got an opportunity to talk, we met hanged out together and slowly and slowly got to know each other, became Good Friends.

What Next? Relationship? 😮

NAHHH!!!!! Why can’t two people be friends?

The universally unanswered question…… We can be friends but the world doesn’t let us be just friends. Ohh!!! Well!!!! Perhaps, People are not the only one’s to be blamed for that. Maybe we also didn’t want just to be friends.

Really!!!!???? Is that the case? The Situation here is very Tensed. Very Very Very Very!!!!! Tensed….

Well!!! I don’t know.

Leave the Guy aside!!!!

Let me Tell you Something!!!! It’s a Secret between you and me…

So!!!! SSSHHHHHH!!!!!!

The best answer to every fucking question is SIMPLE!!!! I DON’T KNOW!!!!!! and you can escape any Damm question in this World. Oh!!!! Man!!!! Am I here on this earth to answer questions!!!! NAHHH!!!!

I am here to enjoy my cool life. Enjoy each and every second of it. Each and every moment of it. Feeling no regrets. Enjoying what is I do. Loving myself. Loving my life. Loving the people around me. Doing Crazy, Stupid, Childish things.

And Yes!!!! Oh!!!! Gosh!!!!!The guy…. 😛 He’s CUTE!!!! :* I Kinda like him!!!!!!

 

I am Scared

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Sometimes!!!! sitting  quietly and going back my memory lane makes me so scared, thinking about my past and  future. I am scared to think about it. I am scared of what kind of  Person I have become, Is something wrong with me? Or it’s just the situation which appears to me like this. There’s always a dilemma going inside. What to do? What not to do? How to behave, respond and How not to? I feel, I not able to handle situation. Even if, I am, I still feel either I have over-reacted or under-reacted on the situation. To help me through this PHASE of over-reaction and under-reaction I have few of my FRIENDS whom I call up anytime  day or night 😛 and start bombarding them with my stupid, confusing questions :P.

I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THEM 😛

POOR SOULS ❤

OH!!!! GOSH!!!!! Sometimes I am so BOLD, I can take down the world alone and sometimes I am so MEEK, even a  harsh word can make me cry.  Sometimes I sit and give people advice on different issues of life and on the other hand I run around finding the appropriate person to advice me on my problems.

UFF!!!!!

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I hate doing this. I don’t like it. Sometimes I want to be so cruel, I want to be the  Cruelest Person of the World, you have ever met. So that you HATE ME. I make people sad and unhappy many times. People who love me, care for me, seeing them sad and unhappy because of me makes me feel like pushing them away from me forever, so they’ll no longer get affected by me. Wanna show them my worst part, doing bad things.  Something stops me!!!! Don’t know what!!!! Again the fear of turning bad forever, Fear of losing that person. If I can’t make that person happy, I don’t have any right to make  him/her sad. I am too Stubborn.

I don’t want to be like this but I am, I can’t help it. I try to Forget it as if it’s just a Phase of my life. Life is full of these phases, good and bad. These phases tell us who all gonna be part of our future and who all are just the reminiscence. I start from one note and end on another. It’s difficult explaining people about your feeling, why you did that, what you thought about, what you want from them and at the same time understanding the other person. You try to give up because you don’t want the discussion ending on some every sad note. And you just start feeling a Void in your heart which will never be filled in your this lifetime. Maybe you are so used to having things just your way that now change makes you go crazy, mad….. But you don’t desire much from people. Just few small and simple things which they fail to understand. This misunderstanding makes you stand in the KATGHARA, explaining yourself to them, your intentions, your wishes etc (#in which you never succeed) . May be you first expect a lot from people and when you are satisfied and contented then you start giving your love or reciprocating.

 You know what!!!! It’s so difficult to Open your mouth and say what’s going inside your heart and mind. It’s so difficult to formulate those Hoch-Poch thoughts in proper sentences. There’s also a fear of what response will I get When I’ll share my thoughts with people around me. Will they still be the same with me?

People around me are good, with no bad intentions. But there is something which I miss!!!!!!!. They have so much to give  me, but guess I am not the deserving one. I let them down many time. They still have hope in me, maybe someday I’ll understand their love and friendship.

ALAS!!!!! Broken you Rise

Have I become a PESSIMIST? Hell No!!!!! Hell Yes!!!!!

Leaving all these thoughts behind, staring through my wet window pane at those beautiful green plants in my garden, water droplets on the petals after the rain, kept my coffee mug and stood up to get ready for work.

The view outside is far more beautiful than the view inside.